I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
