You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
