Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
