Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
