Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
