I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
