My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
