3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I can text with my tongue
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
