you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
