Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
