I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Randomize
