I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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