I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
