who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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