He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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