I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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