i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
