Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
