Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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