Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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