I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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