Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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