I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
