I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
