Do you still have your period?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
