on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
