My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
