currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
