i was born a porn star she said
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
