There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
