I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
