hell yes lets make some ravioli
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
