Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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