Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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