so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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