um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
