Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
