my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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