I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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