dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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