I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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