Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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