the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
