she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
