got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
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I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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