Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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