textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
