He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
