I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
