Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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