I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
