i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
