I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just had sex bonerless
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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